The Trefoil Muse

I am fiercely loyal to family and friends but I have learned that loyalty can be a detriment when it comes at your own expense through them.

I am fiercely loyal…

My mother always taught me, “If you can’t say anything nice; don’t say anything at all.”  However, it goes without saying – our society has become addicted to drama or tragedies which cause traumas in life.

Tragedies are forces to be reckoned with that cannot be controlled.  Lack of control causes us to behave badly.  We all succumb to poor behavior once in a while.  Humans have a tendency to fall backwards into bad habits when faced with ongoing stress in their lives so often time’s words are the weapons of choice used in defense of one’s self.  We can all relate to the power of words.

Words can be destructive.  Sometimes, we are in so much pain we cannot see the true shape of our kingdom which is in ruins.  When people are not happy they become saboteurs. They can become their own worst enemies by spreading hurtful gossip or hurling stinging insults at other’s they care about to their own unfortunate peril then excuse their behavior by uttering quips.

Most of us have heard the quip rendering of “Sticks and Stones” in the school yard or playground since we were children.

“Sticks and Stones” is an English-language children’s rhyme which appeared as early as 1830.

The rhyme is used as a defense against name-calling and verbal bullying, intended to increase resiliency, avoid physical retaliation and to remain calm and good-living. The full rhyme is:

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words shall never hurt me.

The adult perversion of this rhyme is a statement which has been heard as:

“Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission”

I liked what The Ferrett’s website, homepage of Ferrett Steinmetz wrote about the above myth after having been affected by it:

“Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission”

– generally trotted out when someone’s been hurt by a mean thing that someone said.
The idea, I believe, is that we are all rational, robot-like beings who can control our emotions – and thus if we get upset by someone’s assholic statements, we have chosen to be upset. We could have shrugged it off instead.
Problem is, people don’t work that way.
Problem is, people don’t work that way.
Now, first off, “shrugging off other people’s insults and accusations” is a learned skill. If you’ve ever raised a kid, you know most of them don’t come pre-baked with the “Eh, whatever” switch – if you yell at them, they cry. If other kids make fun of them, they get upset. Actually placing the “Okay, they’re mocking you, but do you respect their opinion?” switch in place is a process that takes years, requires a healthy ego on the kid’s part, and isn’t 100% successful.
So, expecting everyone to have that skill is kinda jerky. Admittedly, it’s a vital skill that everyone should actively cultivate – without it; abusers can emotionally manipulate you into the most awful of situations by pressing your “guilt” button whenever you complain about valid stuff.
But not everyone had nice parents. Not everyone’s discovered how to interrupt their emotions with logic. And as such, sneering, “Well, you chose to feel bad”isn’t actually true. They have yet to develop a barrier between the onrush of primal feelings and the rationality to say, “Wait, no, that’s actually something I shouldn’t feel.”
You might want to start that long discussion of how to get to the point where they can shove off that tidal wave of sadness with a cold freeze of logic… but that’s not how this is used. Instead, the “Nobody can make you feel bad…” argument is generally wielded as a club to make it the victim’s fault when someone decided to be an asshole at them. But when you say, “Well, nobody can make you feel bad without your permission,” that sets up a world where you have no responsibility for your speech.  (https://www.theferrett.com/2014/04/17/the-myth-of-nobody-can-make-you-feel-bad-without-your-permission/) 

“Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission,” is actually a take-off version of the original which was a remarkably insightful statement about self-esteem that is usually credited to Eleanor Roosevelt, the diplomat and former First Lady:

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

See the excerpt below from Quote Investigator:

 …, the saying has been attributed to Roosevelt for more than seventy years. The earliest example located by QI appeared in the pages of the widely-distributed periodical Reader’s Digest in September of 1940 [RDFI]:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The Quote Investigator also uncovered interesting evidence where the statement could be traced back to comments made by Eleanor Roosevelt about an awkward event in 1935.

 The Secretary of Labor in the Roosevelt administration was invited to give a speech at the University of California, Berkeley on the Charter Day of the school. The customary host of the event was unhappy because she felt that the chosen speaker should not have been a political figure. She refused to serve as the host and several newspaper commentators viewed her action as a rebuff and an insult.

Eleanor Roosevelt was asked at a White House press conference whether the Secretary had been snubbed, and her response was widely disseminated in newspapers. Here is an excerpt from an Associated Press article [ERNC]:

“A snub” defined the first lady, “is the effort of a person who feels superior to make someone else feel inferior. To do so, he has to find someone who can be made to feel inferior.”

She made clear she didn’t think the labor secretary fell within the category of the “snub able.”

Note that this statement by Roosevelt in 1935 contained the key elements of the quotation that was assigned to her by 1940. One person may try to make a second person feel inferior, but this second person can resist and simply refuse to feel inferior. In this example, the labor secretary refused to consent to feel inferior.

The words we say can influence our society.  They may be seen and heard throughout  millennia to become an inherent part of our history.  So too can the interpretation of our words.  Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” has changed since 1940 to the adage, ““Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” and was then adopted by Gestalt psychology.  A type of therapy introduced in the 1940’s to be an alternative to more traditional psychoanalysis.  Gesalt means whole or wholeness. Gestalt therapy was developed by Fritz Perls, with the help of his wife at the time, Laura Perls. Both Fritz and Laura were trained in psychoanalysis and Gestalt psychology.   Gesalt therapy became a good remedy for many people as it as could assist them to solve their problems, it has boundaries.

However, according to Psychology 101, the destructive belief, ‘no one can make us feel anything’ as practiced by Fritz Perls psychology bases its theory on an inflated view of human power and doesn’t work.  When danger lurks (for example when we are being regaled by hurtful words), we will do one of three things; fight, flee or freeze.  When faced with these three things we are able to choose how we respond to our triggers but not how we feel.  Afterward, we can focus on why we felt as we did not what we felt to see if we can discern a pattern with what triggers us.

We are all human beings with sensitive hearts.  Maturity means recognizing and taking responsibility for how we affect people rather than expressing ourselves with a blind eye toward how we impact others.

Toxic people who use words as weapons may have demeaned, marginalized or dismissed you or others then rationalized their behavior by saying, “they’re only words;” or denying they were ever said (a form of gas-lighting) or asserting the real problem was  your sensitivity.  Refusing to answer you or ignoring you is abuse of a silent variety.  At times we succumb to this type of pressuring from our family or friends for fear of being disowned or abandoned by them so we allow ourselves to be bullied.

disowned or abandoned

Eleanor Roosevelt also said, “When you adopt the standards and values of someone else… you surrender your own integrity.  You become, to the extent of your surrender, less of a human being.”

Words have power over people.  We must be responsible for how we use them.  As a writer, I am well aware of the power of words both written and verbal.  Words can uplift an entire society or sink it into the depths of despair.  Words can cause controversy.  It is imperative that as individuals we use integrity, ethics and morals with our words when we address others.

Words absolutely can hurt us.  They do make us feel.  We can only control how we react to the words uttered in our direction.  To do this we need to create boundaries and enforce them.  As a society, we need to teach our children and hold our selves to a high standard of:

• Integrity – the state of being entire; wholeness; probity; honesty; uprightedness
• Ethics –relating to morals or moral principles
• Morals – discriminating between right and wrong

These standards will enable us to guard future generations from snobs (those who judge by social rank or wealth rather than merit; them who ignore those they feel are social inferiors) through snubs (checks or rebukes with rudeness or indifference; to repress intentionally) meant to repress (to keep under control; to put down) them whereby creating good healthy boundaries which reduce sensationalizing poor, unacceptable behaviors in others.  We can only do this by taking responsibility for our own actions.

Words can be hurtful.  They can cause abrupt endings in our relationships.  Being responsible also means that sometimes you have to give up on people not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.

When we become responsible for our behavior and strive not to cause injury through ego based bias, we learn the art of oneness and become whole.  Take responsibility for your actions. Learn to apologize.  Do it when necessary.  Do not expect to be immediately absolved of guilt if you have caused pain.  Be faithful to those who have shown you loyalty.  Learn the art of forgiveness then be at peace.  Life is good, learn to love it responsibly.